Tuesday, 24 January 2012
THE GOLD IN THE SHADOW......
OK - I’ve given in and come back to Facebook. So many people have commented on my absence. Bless you all. I’ve had phone calls to ask “Are you alright Jan?” and emails of the same nature. I’m so sorry to have worried you all and my intention wasn’t to get you all to miss me, I promise. But here is what happened..........
I had been unwell for some time and undergone lots of scans, unpleasant examinations and the like which had proved inconclusive (at least up until last week). I was in some discomfort, not able to exercise, not able to sit for long periods of time, which has been difficult considering it’s tax calculation time and so I was sinking into the depths of despair. Well, not quite..........I never sink that low thankfully because when I feel this happening, I get my self-help books out and practice some Jin Shin or do some EFT tapping. Hence feeling unwell is a great learning opportunity - I treat it like a college course and then an A-HA invariably happens and I realise what’s being going on with me.
Illness or pain are both great teachers. We are taught in CranioSacral Therapy that pain is a cry from the Soul.
As I dragged myself through this miserable “college course”, I found I was withdrawing into myself and spending increasingly more time on Facebook watching everyone else getting on with their lives and enjoying wonderful Christmas celebrations.......or so it seemed to me. I didn’t feel I could contribute anything to the world of Facebook that would be cheerful and uplifting to read yet still, every time I passed my laptop I just had to open it and see what everyone was doing. Watching what everyone was doing without contributing myself was acutely uncomfortable. I had become a STALKER! A curtain-twitcher. I hated that feeling and I hated everyone who I was ‘Friends” with. Especially the ones who were posting how great they were and how wonderful it was to be making such a difference in the world. I, on the other hand, felt like Poo.
Now I should explain that this was my perception of what I was reading on Facebook and not necessarily what people were actually posting because I was obviously dealing with some deep inner stuff that surfaced during my Therapeutic Imagery & Dialogue course at the beginning of December. I had become that part of my psyche who appeared to me during meditation as a little, ugly, wrinkled and miserly old lady who I refused to even look at. She terrified me, but during my sessions I got to know her very well. She was grieving the loss of her creativity, both in having children and the loss of her gifts of creative words and speech. 2nd chakra issues.
2nd chakra issues = pelvic problems = a big fat ‘AHA So that’s what’s going on with me!‘
With the support of my colleagues, all advanced practitioners in CranioSacral Therapy, I was able to integrate this old woman, this part of myself, into my conscious awareness and allow her to become magnificent and fertile again.
Or so I thought.
Until she resurfaced again through Facebook and became a Stalker. Through me.
New Year came and went and I had to own up. “My name’s Jan and I’m a Facebook-aholic”. I realised that there are aspects of Facebook that should carry a government health-warning. “Caution, spending too much time on here may cause a sub-personality to pop up and take over your life.” There was only one thing to do and that was to avoid it completely. It was surprisingly easy really. I did feel tempted to go on and explain that I’d come off, so to speak! But I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop at just one look. Truly - how sad is that? I consoled myself by adding up all the 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there that I had been spending stalking and let me tell you it’s shocking. Try it. Instead, those precious minutes have now been filled with creative inspiration. I am writing again, planning some more meditations and the ‘little old lady’ part of me is glowing with health and magnificence.
Physically, last week’s tests were positive. All organs sound and healthy but the problems and pain in my pelvis are due to the sheer amount of adhesions caused by open gall bladder surgery 11 years ago which are pulling on and shortening my pelvic ligaments. I looked up the word ‘adhesion’ and found this definition:- the adhesion of parts united by growth. Strange that. I feel like these adhesions (and Facebook) have led me to discover a part of myself which I didn’t know was there - that grumpy, sour, withered old woman who just needed to be acknowledged. I hope we too can now be united by growth.
I think I can return to Facebook now and be gracious to all my FB friends. I am choosing to look once a day only though in case my little old lady surfaces and starts stalking you again.
I would be really interested to hear if anyone else finds that Facebook brings up their sub-personalities - their shadow parts. Be honest, for there is Gold to be had in that there shadow. Maybe we should throw a big fancy dress party and each of us could come as our shadow-side. I’d love to hear who you would come as?
If anyone is interested in a journey of self-discovery using CST and Therapeutic Imagery and Dialogue, please let me know via email or - wait for it - FACEBOOK!
P.S. In case you think I've completely lost the plot, I would like to add how refreshing it was to hear a GP on my course announce "Sometimes I REALLY hate my patients". I'm not the only one with a grumpy old lady inside!