Back from the Brink.......

I had the strangest dream two nights ago...... I was standing watching a burial alongside lots of other people (some of whom were the stars of Coronation Street - don't ask where that came from!). I don't recall in the dream whose burial it actually was, but there was a lot of grief surrounding it - so many people hurting........ I woke feeling disturbed and uneasy and as the day went on, I realised that it had been my burial, well at least symbolic of my burial. Since then, so much has become clear to me and I hope that by sharing my thoughts here, I can make sense of what has been happening to me this year and hopefully provide my friends with some sort of explanation, not to mention the wonderful, wonderful people who have been waiting so patiently for my next CD.

Since August last year, my family and I sadly watched as one of our closest friends battled cancer. Our friend Nick had always been debonair, charming, full of fun and his jokes were terrible! We always said that in his role of 007, Roger Moore must have got his corny lines and jokes from our friend Nick - it was, of course, the other way round. Watching him deteriorate over the months was so sad, yet through all his pain, he was still immensely quick-witted and kept us entertained with his corny one-liners. We had many happy summer and winter holidays with Nick. In his James Bond style, he was dressed in red from head to toe on the ski slopes, including a red headband! This is a photo of him in Italy in 2006 - he skied with us until he was 75 years old. In early May, just before we were due to leave for our holiday in America, we visited Nick in hospital and both Graham and I knew we were seeing him for the last time. Just before we left, Nick quietly said "Jan, this place you are going to is meant to be very powerful isn't it?" "Yes, Nick, I think so." I replied. "While you are there, will you................" He was finding it difficult to say the words so I just said "Yes, Nick, we will.............". We gave him a final kiss and told him how much we loved him and he told us he loved us too. As we left Nick's room, heartbroken, we both knew that Nick was trying to ask us to pray for him. Although we didn't find out until several days later when we managed to get through to his wife from America, Nick died just as Graham and I were leaving for the airport to fly to America. We like to think that he chose that moment so his spirit could come with us on one last holiday.

Graham chose a special place at the base of the sacred mountain of Bear Butte to offer prayers of gratitude for Nick's life. It was very emotional but as we looked out over that vast, sunny landscape, with the power of the wind spirit all around us, we knew that Nick was with us. Before we left Bear Butte, Graham chose a tree where we could leave a prayer tie blowing in the wind for him. It really is the most beautiful, sacred spot - I know Nick would have approved. We got back in time for Nick's funeral and our family wore RED!

Bear Butte

Yesterday we attended a service for Nick at the Royal Hospital, Chelsea where his name has been placed on brass plaque on a bench. Appropriately enough, the bench is placed right outside the Chelsea Pensioner's bar - Nick would have approved of that too.

The reason I am going to such lengths sharing all of this is because I have suddenly realised how much I have been struggling and why I have non-consciously shut myself away for the last year. In my role as a therapist for the last 13-odd years, I have sadly neglected my own emotional (and physical) healing. As is often the case, it is not until we stop, that we finally realise how drained we are. Except that I still didn't realise it. I just kept trying to work, trying to write, trying to keep on top of my jobs and failing miserably. During this process, I now realise I have (non-consciously) withdrawn from the world "outside". I haven't been in touch with my friends, often I didn't want to answer the phone. I was so afraid that someone would ask me to do something that would require me to give something of myself and I was just so emotionally exhausted, I couldn't face it! I managed to present a couple of workshops but nowhere near the number I would have liked to do. Aside from losing Nick, other challenges have presented themselves this year but my ego wouldn't allow me to own up to feeling that I couldn't cope - after all, my role has always been to help others to feel better - I have never been very good at asking for help for myself, even as a child. I have always tried to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going, no matter how much I was suffering inside. (I am being reminded now of a swan......calm and serene on the surface but paddling like crazy underneath - that's me!)

My dream the other night has changed all that. I don't want to be "buried" under all the times I haven't asked for help. Buried under all the guilt I feel for shutting myself away, all the guilt I feel for not producing the work I had hoped to. It is time for me to clamber out of the hole, put my hands up and say "OK, I messed up" and I have decided to do this publicly because I am sure many of you will relate to similar feelings.

Yesterday, I surrendered all my feelings to Archangel Gabriel and asked for help. Since then, I have been flooded with creativity. I was awoken at 6.00 a.m. this morning by the Angels, who were giving me so much information, I had to get up quickly to write everything down. In surrendering and asking for help, I finally feel able to begin again with a new creativity.

I hope my friends will forgive me for "disappearing" on them - I promise I will answer the phone when you call. I promise to admit when I am floundering and I promise to ask for your help. I also promise to say "No" (nicely) if I am asked to do something that I really don't have the energy for.

Thank you Archangel Gabriel for helping me to admit to my fragility and share it with the world. In doing so, you have returned to me the freedom of creative words and speech.

With love and blessings

Hats off to Go Native America!

Having spent the last few weeks organising and re-organising our independent trip to the mid-West next week, I feel I must take my hat off to Sarah Chapman of Go Native America. Sarah organises, with precision, multiple and varied trips each year during which their tour participants travel thousands of miles across the country visiting sacred sites and learning the history of the Native American people from award-winning writer, photographer and historian Serle Chapman. The first time I took a tour with Go Native America, (www.gonativeamerica.com) we travelled 3,500 miles in two weeks through the scenery of North and South Dakota, Wyoming and Montana. It was another four years before I could return for another ten days to South Dakota, Wyoming, Nebraska and Montana. The scenery is awesome and Serle's narration of Native American history is exciting, respectful, tender and at times heart-breaking. I had no idea, however, how time-consuming it is to organise such a tour, even on a small scale.

I will be returning next week to the mid-West with my husband and dearest friends - the trip is a birthday present for my husband's 60th and I have just discovered he is telling people that this trip is an "hors d'oeuvre" - a taste of things to come once he has retired! I have booked us into a different hotel each night and we will be travelling through the Badlands and up into the Big Horn mountains, where I am told that the snow is half-way up the lodge windows!! Packing is a nightmare but layers are the answer - lots of them!

On Wednesday next week we travel to the Land of the Morning Star People to meet the little girl who I have sponsored on the Northern Cheyenne reservation through the Cheyenne Children's Services at Lame Deer who assist children from infant to age 18. We are all really excited about our visit and already we have a queue of children here who would like to be her penfriend. "Many children on the Northern Cheyenne Reservation face the daily reality of poverty. Unlike previous generations, today's poverty is not just economic; complications by broken families, alcohol, drug abuse and limited opportunities contribute to the vicious cycle of child poverty." (Florence Running Wolf - Founder/Director CCS) The unemployment rate for the area is 80% and the best chance of finding a job is off the reservation in Billings, Montana - over 100 miles away. The child I have sponsored has four siblings and family income is the equivalent of £6,000 per year! The rugged terrain in the area severely limits its agricultural use and the most productive land was given to non-Indians by the US Government long ago.

Due to the work of the CCS, the Cheyenne children now have a library in the largest district - something they have never had before and they are slowly developing a stock of books. With future donations, they hope it will be possible to train and employ a full-time librarian. If you would like more information about the CCS or are interested in sponsoring a child and/or making a one-off donation, please log on to http://www.cheyennechildrenservices.com/ . As Florence would say "HaHo" Thank you!

Having organised this independent one-week trip down to the finest detail, if you are interested in travelling to the area, I have one thing to say........."Go Native America" - it's much easier and much less of a worry!

The photo above was taken in October in Tongue River Canyon - click on it for a full-size version - did you ever see such a beautiful blue sky?

NEW DIVINITI WEBSITE FOR THE U.S.

I'm thrilled to have learned this week that Diviniti Publishing now have a website especially for their many United States customers. From this week, people in the US will be able to purchase the whole Diviniti range in dollars rather than having to order in pound sterling on the UK site. A much better option for our US friends given the recent poor exchange rate!

If you have any friends in the States who are interested in connecting with Angels, the Sacred Light Series of 4 CDs is being sold as a package at a special discount. Check out the website at

www.hypnosis-usa.com.

FAMILY HOMEOPATHY & WELLNESS CLINIC

Those of you with families may like to know that one of my dearest friends, Kimberley Gridley, has now started a new Family Homeopathy & Wellness Clinic based in Knockholt, Kent. Kimberley has been a licensed Homeopath for many years, graduating from the London College of Practical Homeopathy in 1998. She is an international speaker and trainer with a vast knowledge of homeopathy and nutrition.

Kimberley's clinic will offer safe, effective treatments for children's immune support, food intolerances, eczema, asthma etc and also all women's complaints from monthly cycles to weight loss.

To speak to Kimberley or to book an appointment please call her on 01959 535060. She is offering a £5.00 reduction for NCT Members.

IF I WERE PRIME MINISTER

GMTV have been asking people for suggestions for a new Public Holiday. Viewers have been asked to vote for one of the following: a) A British Forces Day b) A Beatles Day c) A Shakespeare Day and d) a Diana Day.


I say, what about a PEACE DAY. I think the UN nominated September 21st as International Peace Day but how many of us are aware of that?

I did think about a PEACE PILGRIM day in honour of the amazing woman who walked 25,000 miles between 1953 and 1981 in a personal pilgrimage for peace. She vowed to "remain a wanderer until mankind has learned the way of peace, walking until given shelter and fasting until given food". She died aged 73 in 1981. However, this is a UK Public Holiday they are polling for, so people might not consider this appropriate.

So, if I was Prime Minister this would be my suggestion: June 21st would be a great day for PEACE DAY. It is summer solstice, therefore the longest day of the year and would be a great day for families and friends to be together. Everything would close! No banks, shops, shopping malls would be allowed to open, and people would be encouraged to stay home and keep traffic to a minimum. In the lead up to Peace Day, school children will be encouraged to participate in creative projects - ALL children should be encouraged to make a PEACE DREAMBOARD showing their vision of a Peaceful World. Peace DreamBoard exhibitions could be set up in various prominent locations for everyone to see and we could even have a prize for the best Peace Dreamboard in each County. Just think of the effect of millions of Dreams of Peace on the Laws of Attraction. In fact why limit the PEACE DREAMBOARD to children? Everyone, regardless of race, religion or age could be encouraged to make one. We could have Children's Peace Concerts, Celebrations of Light etc. It's our responsibility to show our children how the Laws of Attraction work and how they can make a difference to their world if they focus on Peace.

What a dreamer I am....................but then a PEACE DAY makes much more sense to me than a Beatles Day - even though, as a 13 year old I dreamed of marrying Paul McCartney. Maybe if I'd made a DreamBoard.....................!